Until tragedy happens and I soon found myself saying goodbye to one family member after another. For the last twelve years of my life, I've been immunized by funeral services. And after passing through the denial and grief, I was left alone with my younger brother.
Having no dad or mom to assist you on some of the most important events of your life is painful. Even though you have these several awards, the parental congratulations is zilch. So you go onstage and wish that these non-celebratory events would soon be over.
It's even harder when you have problems and there's no mom or dad to talk to. You just have to deal with the pain and the burden and take hold of yourself tightly. I very much ace on that skill.
It's even harder when you have problems and there's no mom or dad to talk to. You just have to deal with the pain and the burden and take hold of yourself tightly. I very much ace on that skill.
Up to now, the word orphan is still a major blow to my personality. People tend to get judgmental upon discovering that you have no parents. And it is with these people that you find it hard to explain your complicated background.
Looking back, I was kind of amazed how far I've got without having my old folks to tell me what to do with my life. One pastor told me, "Someone is definitely praying for you." And that's when it dawned to me that the Lord never breaks His promises.
John 14:18
"I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you."
I was always on the right track, I excel at school, I'm a degree holder and my younger brother's off to college. We live simply.
I have always lived a boring life. I am a walking definition of a plain Jane. Maybe because I don't have a family to go out with during the summer season, no family to grace the holidays. I had no parents to teach me how to be sociable. I was naive at most things.
There's always this certain longing inside of me to search for some relatives. Sadly, most of my grandparents relatives live abroad. And it's been a long time since we have received postcards from them. And so one day, I decided to google about my papa's first cousins.
I discovered that they were born in LA, grew up in LA and basically are growing old in LA. They've last visited the Philippines last 2006, when my Lola Trining died. Unfortunately, I haven't met them. They did meet my dad, though, I think when he's at Mapua.
Being the stalker I am, I started to google their contact information and even went as far as using google maps. I called my Uncle Gerald for the first time through his office number and it was kind of awkward because we definitely are strangers to each other. It was one of the coldest conversations I've ever had in my whole entire existence.
Then I tried e-mailing my Uncle Terry. He sent me a long one and it sounded like it was addressed to a client. He told me that : "He cannot do for me what I have to do for myself." He even went like being a life coach or something, being all technical about me changing my social connections etcetera etcetera. I guess he might have mistaken my e-mailing him that I was asking for petition or some package from Macy's. Hahaha. All I wanted was these people to have constant communication with my brother and I. He didn't even bother to know our whereabouts. And we're like the only relatives that they have here in the Philippines. It was sad for family's sake. We share the same surname, we share the same roots. And it's not like the Gubatans are a dozen.
As for my grandmother's nephews and nieces, they're somewhere down New York, London and Australia. I've been trying to get information about them, but upto now, I've been hitting dead ends.
Well, I guess, it's just me and my brother then. And I've proven that "blood is thick than water" isn't true at all. Why? Well, I am surrounded by people who genuinely cares, people who are not even my own kin.
All my life, I've been dragged down by certain people, they've hurt me, traumatized me, think lowly of me, criticized me.
I'm just so tired of insisting myself to people who doesn't want me in their lives. After all, I have my tough self, and a good Lord to bag.
And yes, someday, I will definitely bloom into something wonderful and I swear that these people will wish that they had and have me in their lives. And I'm definitely gonna make it happen.
I have always lived a boring life. I am a walking definition of a plain Jane. Maybe because I don't have a family to go out with during the summer season, no family to grace the holidays. I had no parents to teach me how to be sociable. I was naive at most things.
There's always this certain longing inside of me to search for some relatives. Sadly, most of my grandparents relatives live abroad. And it's been a long time since we have received postcards from them. And so one day, I decided to google about my papa's first cousins.
I discovered that they were born in LA, grew up in LA and basically are growing old in LA. They've last visited the Philippines last 2006, when my Lola Trining died. Unfortunately, I haven't met them. They did meet my dad, though, I think when he's at Mapua.
Being the stalker I am, I started to google their contact information and even went as far as using google maps. I called my Uncle Gerald for the first time through his office number and it was kind of awkward because we definitely are strangers to each other. It was one of the coldest conversations I've ever had in my whole entire existence.
Then I tried e-mailing my Uncle Terry. He sent me a long one and it sounded like it was addressed to a client. He told me that : "He cannot do for me what I have to do for myself." He even went like being a life coach or something, being all technical about me changing my social connections etcetera etcetera. I guess he might have mistaken my e-mailing him that I was asking for petition or some package from Macy's. Hahaha. All I wanted was these people to have constant communication with my brother and I. He didn't even bother to know our whereabouts. And we're like the only relatives that they have here in the Philippines. It was sad for family's sake. We share the same surname, we share the same roots. And it's not like the Gubatans are a dozen.
As for my grandmother's nephews and nieces, they're somewhere down New York, London and Australia. I've been trying to get information about them, but upto now, I've been hitting dead ends.
Well, I guess, it's just me and my brother then. And I've proven that "blood is thick than water" isn't true at all. Why? Well, I am surrounded by people who genuinely cares, people who are not even my own kin.
All my life, I've been dragged down by certain people, they've hurt me, traumatized me, think lowly of me, criticized me.
I'm just so tired of insisting myself to people who doesn't want me in their lives. After all, I have my tough self, and a good Lord to bag.
And yes, someday, I will definitely bloom into something wonderful and I swear that these people will wish that they had and have me in their lives. And I'm definitely gonna make it happen.
"Someday I'll be living in a big old city
And all you're ever gonna be is mean."
And all you're ever gonna be is mean."
Keep it real,
Joanne
No comments:
Post a Comment